Abe, we loved to hate you

The final finale is over. His parade of horribles is over. His last Q was 2 weeks ago at ER. Now one of our Redwood Originals leaves tomorrow for the land of peanuts, bad BBQ, and a love of bad football teams and I can’t stop thinking about the footprint that he’s left with us. Was he in the gloom when you posted as an FNG? If you were an FNG at Expresso between 5/14 and whenever Star opened up, the chances are pretty high that he was. If you were an FNG at ER up until last Monday, those chances are even higher. If you were an FNG at Ram, well that’s another story. (True or false, Abe the only Ram you posted was the now infamous one that Chaser Q’d?) Me thinks that’s true. Point is, there was always that old dude over there yelling about the workout not being hard enough, or someone not planking for the six, making sure we kept our cadence legit, or how he wanted to eat the Q’s babies if their winkie wasn’t long enough.

Abe loved to beat us down for 45 minutes and then lift us back up in the COT. True or false Pax, at least once in your F3 existence, you have fartsacked only for the very reason that Abe was on deck as Q? I’ll be the first to admit to doing it.
Here’s how it would go down:
– Ed turns on alarm for 5:10, lays clothes out to not wake wife, hops in bed
– Ed looks at Twitter machine
– Ed sees a tweet from Abe like this “got some horrible ideas from Chaser and/or Splinter for tomorrow”
– Ed wonders, “am I ready for this?”
– Ed’s mind says “hell yes, YOU CAN DO IT”
– Ed’s body says “F that, I’m out”
– Ed turns off alarm
– Ed reads BB from Abe
– Ed thanks the Sky Q for giving him the sense to not post

Or tell me if this sounds familiar in the gloom:
Pax A: who has the Q today?
Pax B: Abraham
Pax A: Oh shit….

Then you find out that he’s a preacher. Not just any preacher, but a Baptist Preacher. What the? Are you serious? The same man that’s been trying to kill me has the power to baptize me in holy water?

That’s just it though. You start to realize what he’s about. Jesus was no wilting flower, He was a bad ass. Remember when he tore up the Farmer’s Market (Hipster Millennial reference) at the Temple? Abraham loved us and wanted to beat us into submission, but he also always had an A+ word of day at the end of his beatings. At first you’re scared of him, then you come to look forward to what he has in store, now there’s just a big ole burpee sized hole in my heart.

Abraham, thank you for your commitment to not only helping bring F3 to Hickory but thank you for growing F3. When I started, we had 3 workouts per week. Now we have 24. Let that soak in for a minute. 24. Thank you for everything you’ve done for Hickory and for me, especially the banana pudding on our Wednesday lunches. I loved those times together by the way. But the lunches were B-A-D. Can I say that now that you’re leaving? Man, Bass/Smith puts out a more lively atmosphere than that place. Food is almost halfway decent, but Lord have mercy all you need is some slow organ music and a pile of dirt in there to complete the funeral. At least turn the lights up a bit…

As 1st F Q, I will try my best to live up to your reputation, but that’s a tough pill to swallow. I look forward to the challenge and thank you for the path that you’ve paved for me and all Hickory pax.

Cousin Eddie out