Researchers, Ernst and Young categorize Millennials to being born between the years 1981-1996. I was born pretty much yesterday in the year 1986 so there, I’m a Millennial, which explains all these sad, lazy, selfish feelings I’ve had lately… I mean, I really cry a lot, it’s hard being 31 and white and so sensitive these days.
Anyway, So apparently my Q list has run its course so this is my second week in a row Qing- because I’m a lazy Millennial. I wanted to do something a little different to spice things up but being a self-conscious Millennial, I had to make sure that I had participation awards for everyone who showed up – you know, that way no one gets upset. We’re all equally talented, some people express their talents in different ways than running, so it’s only fair we all get awards.
In typical Millennial fashion, I planned this workout at the last minute on my dictionary sized smart phone. At first, I was totally like, “I can’t even” but then I pulled my self together after treating myself to some avocado toast and a chai mocha frappe’ americano pumpkin unicorn latte’. OMG, totes delish. The route had us all run down 127 and turn right on 33rd Ave. We met up at the bottom of the hill and exchanged hugs and gave each other pep talks. After the pep-sesh I nervously explained the course of action – you know, because I only know how to communicate via text so my personal skills are lacking, Squints rolled his eyes at me, he may have been adjusting his glasses, but it really hurt my feelings either way.
The plan was to get back to Corinth using back roads, you were not allowed to travel via 127 until you at least made it back to 25th ave. Coincidently this route made us all traverse Elenor – Millennials are spiteful. Prizes would be given for different categories, age group, longest route, fastest route, I even hid an object and gave a clue as to it’s location for a scavenger hunt prize but sometime in between dropping it off before we started and the run some old geezer baby boomer walking a toy schoodle-poo picked it up and cursed that darn good-for-nothing millennial in the the red truck. They probably shook their fist at me and shouted “get off my lawn!!!”, it was probably Suppository.
We teamed up, since we were splitting up, Luckily I had my Millennial buddy Powder for moral support, we talked, laughed, recited poetry and read Chicken for the Soul together, this got me through the workout, it was really dark and I’m scared of the dark- I almost always have a screen in front of my face- being outside is weird and yucky. Eww, Gross.
We all got back safely, I tried to take a group selfie but being a Millennial and all, my old overuse injury, selfie elbow, common amongst us millennials, was acting up so I couldn’t get a good shot – Sorry to let you down Granite Falls guys.
Since I’m a Millenial, I cant keep a job, I’m lazy, entitled, demanding, I live with my parents, I have a doctorate in Schoodle-poo grooming, $1,000,000,000 in student loans, a graduate of Trump University( JK, ya’ll, feel the Bern!) and I just can’t figure out why anyone won’t hire me, I just want a brunch break, an Opra break, and work from home… Needless to say, I don’t have much money for prizes so I got creative (I took an improve class in my liberal arts college). Awards are…. YOU GET TO Q ARROW!!!!! #everyonegetsaprize #hashtag #feelthebern #SELFIE #froyo #starbucksislife
Awards for particiapants:
Best shorts: Cousin Eddie
Longest route: Herniator, Thunderdome
Most likely to wear a long sleeve shirt in the middle of summer: Stonewall
The only Millennial to actually appear to have his life together: Powder
Fastest time/shortest route: Squints and Bing
Most lovable Gen Xer/wishes he was a millenial: Markup
Awards for non-participants
Most likely to curse Millennials while shaking the newspaper at you from their front porch: Suppository